Rupert Murdoch sells 3 million copies of The Sun every day. Whilst this might not make him quite as popular as Simon Cowell, you don’t tend to see the latter spreading much racial unrest and political bile.

Joylessly flipping through April 18^th’s edition of the tabloid is exhaustingly unpleasant. The first few pages consist mainly of small colourful boxouts; a gaudy mosaic of misinformation punctuated by crime reports and PR product placements.

Page 3’s staple topless model is stunning, but quickly overshadowed. Turning the page to read the articles penned by Clodagh Hartley and John Kay reveals a pair of tits that can clearly give Sabine (19, from London) a run for her money.

Shamelessly praising “innovative” cuts from the Conservative government whilst slamming Labour run councils for cutting local services, it’s good to see The Sun hasn’t lost its devout loyalty to flagrant bias. Following up this solid piece of balanced journalism, Hartley then bizarrely returns on page 13 to gently infer that Nick Clegg ‘might be gay’.

Not to be outdone by his colleague’s startling knack for journalism, Chief Reporter John Kay deftly handles the current situation with the UK’s military budget allocation – angrily advocating the reinstatement of Harrier jump-jets in Libya rather than continuing to spend excessively on the upkeep for maintaining a solid ground force. John seemed to be mincing his words when it came to specifics, so I’ll happily paraphrase: Won’t it be cheaper if we just bomb the s**t out of them?

If you’re struggling to soak up any of the key opinions, ‘The Sun Says’ has you covered. Offering a concise synopsis of the paper’s key agenda for the day, all served up in an extra-chunky font that’s perfect for those aiming to make the transition across from ‘just looking at pictures’.

Not into politics? Don’t worry – there’s a whole world of other vaguely insidious stuff to get your teeth into. Glancing over the first half of today’s edition, it’s impressive to see how many intrusive celebrity photos they’ve squeezed in; expertly saving pagination for their quota of righteous indignation.

Jump into the core of The Sun though, and you can clearly see the point at which two sides meet; a sudden clash between the realms of celebrity and sport which sees football score spreadsheets awkwardly sat alongside a slightly ropey Cheryl Cole look-alike.

Pushing ahead proves difficult. The Sun’s sports pages appear heavily occupied by dangerous puns, and our resolve begins to falter. Upon closer inspection, it appears that the differences between the girly gossip and football pages appear to be a matter of sequins and semantics.

Pushing through to the end, we’re rewarded with Kevin Richter’s ‘Shadows’ – a comic strip segment that briefly follows the confusing exploits of a Glaswegian vampire. It’s dark, gritty, and stereotypically iffy.

If you’ve missed out on the chance to buy and read the April 18^th edition of The Sun, you might find it hard to justify the costs involved with creating the type of apparatus required for time travel. If you somehow come across a copy by chance however, we’d wholeheartedly recommend avoiding it entirely.