I’m trying to clean my room, but I can’t seem to stop fucking around on my PC. In light of this, I thought I’d write a diary of the process as a stark reminder of just how long it takes me to do anything of worth with my time.
12:51 - Taking time-wasting to the next level, I sit down and begin a process of engineered procrastination. I’m going to start in the left corner of my room. It’s a state.
12:53 - I’ve got a mug full of pens. A real mixture going on here - biros, sharpies, even a couple of those fancy gel ones. There must be about ten in total. I never carry pens around with me, and I don’t have any paper in my room. At the bottom of the mug, there are three batteries, two large paperclips, and a button. After 3 years of stasis, I still haven’t decided what to do with this collection, so I’ll leave it as it is.
12:56 - There are three empty bottles of whiskey under my desk, within arm’s reach. The cheapest ended up being my favourite - Whyte & Mackay Glasgow Special. There’s a tiny bottle of single malt Balvanie here too, but it’s barely been touched. It’s delicious, but I rarely feel like I deserve it. Maybe I’ll have a glass when I finish the tidying.
12:59 - I’ve got so many grooming products, but I barely use any of them. Not sure what to do with them. If I cut my hair short again, these two jars of Brylcreem will be useful. I’m not sure if I ever will, though.
13:02 - Another oddity. It’s a plastic glass, filled with razors and cutlery. The razors are from San Francisco - I had to buy hundreds of batteries to fill up lightsabers for media to play with when I was working with Lucasarts. The super-sized multipacks came with free Schick shavers. They’re very good - and I still have two left. Behind all of this, I have an industrial strength white glowstick. I stole this from a hotel in Germany, mainly because I didn’t want to forget about it. I’m saving it for a special occasion in the indefinite future, but I’ll probably never use it. When I was very young, I saved a Ghostbusters ‘ghost in a can’ for at least two years before opening it. In the end, it was hugely disappointing. Some things are best left sealed.
13:09 - There are so many tiny tins dotted around my room. Most of them are empty. I guess there’s part of my teenage brain that’s hardwired to hoard small containers I can hide things in.
13:13 - Begrudgingly, I’ve thrown away a lovely pair of headphones. Nothing I hate more than having to scrap broken technology.
13:15 - Paperwork: straight in the bin. I’ll regret this later, but nothing beats the immediate catharsis.
13:16 - A card I got for my 25th birthday. This isn’t going in the bin, ever. My mum is awesome.
13:20 - Found some old chewing gum. I think it’s stale. Haven’t had any of this stuff since I stopped working with a guy called George - he used to offer it up almost constantly.
13:26 - Music shift from Deerhunter to Grinderman. It’s time to kick things up a notch.
13:27 - Put the razor and the glowstick in the pen mug. Cutlery should probably be taken back to the kitchen.
13:31 - Found a birthday cheque from my grandparents. Thankfully it’s still in date, this time.
13:35 - Can’t find any of those yellow cloth things, so I’m using old socks as dusters. PRO.
13:36 - ‘Matt’s Moolah Jar’ is almost full to the brim with small change. The last time this happened was about 5 years ago - we carried it to ASDA and bought a Nintendo Wii. Must be about £100 in there at least, but I’ve no idea what I’ll spend it on this time. Will leave it as is until I’ve decided on something suitably frivolous.
13:41 - Someone’s started talking to me on Facebook. Progress hits an immediate halt.
13:55 - Advice administered. BACK TO THE CLEAN.
13:57 - Just saw a fox in the garden. Day fox! So blasé!
14:04 - Finally got around to cleaning my desk. This is the toughest part. You’re right here in front of me, glowing away with pretty colours - triggering memories of things I want to check, things I want to say, things I want to do. I need to get through this part quickly, or it’s all over.
14:07 - Value brand ibuprofen. I didn’t discover this stuff until last year, really. Probably for the best too - it’s a dangerously magic solution to a hangover. A girl I went to university with used to take this stuff all the time. I’d like to take the high horse on this one and comment on the state of her liver, but back then I was drinking a litre of vodka almost every day. Idiot.
14:12 - FUN FACT: If you leave your coffee to go cold then drink it later, it’s basically iced coffee. Please note: This trick doesn’t work if you’re a snooty cunt.
14:25 - There’s a small wooden box with a broken latch on the corner of my desk. I bought it in Spain when I was very young. It might have been the first thing I bought myself - actually. It’s got a red felt lining, and a mirror in the lid. It’s the oldest thing I own, and I’ll probably keep it till the day I die.
14:30 - Six electronic devices are plonked on top of a small stack of magazines. I still can’t quite believe I write things that go in magazines. It doesn’t make sense.
14:37 - This is taking forever. Time to take a break for lunch. I’m having Tortellini -but I call them ‘belly buttons’, because they look a bit like belly buttons and my parents brought me up to be strange.
15:08 - Lunch success - time to get back to the tidy. I only ever seem to tidy my room like this when my girlfriend is away for the weekend. I guess it’s a bizarre reaction to missing her.
15:17 - This tape measure is one of the most poorly made items I own; covered in fake chrome and ill-fitting rubber. For such a ridiculously clunky item, the fact that it’s called ‘Rapier’ never ceases to amuse me.
15:23 - Putting all of my shoes into the shoe rack that my girlfriend optimistic bought for me. I do this approximately once every six months. I own six pairs of shoes, which to me seems excessive. There’s a bunch of stuff on the floor behind the rack, including a small purple cigarette lighter and a fake pearl necklace. There’s also a blue striped scarf here - something I’d almost forgotten about. It’s my style exactly - albeit my style from three years ago. I received it as a gift last Christmas, and i’m looking forward to wearing it once the weather permits. Within the next 18 months, I’m almost guaranteed to lose it.
15:32 - Nostalgia levels are peaking, and it’s time to change the soundtrack. ‘Since I Left You’ by The Avalanches seems the perfect fit.
15:35 - Chilly feet, so I’ve popped on the Moroccan leather slippers my parents brought back for me when they went away a few years ago. Rather than squirreling away money for me and my brother, they’re spending it all on holidays. I genuinely think that’s brilliant.
15:45 - Final stretch. Come to daddy, Henry.
15:48 - Still haven’t started hoovering. Got distracted by a .gif of a cat playing a trombone.
16:05 - Still haven’t started hoovering. I’ve genuinely no idea what I’ve been doing for the last 17 minutes. Disgraceful.
16:19 - DONE. A record-breaking 3 hours, 28 minutes. In the end, I’ve decided to celebrate with a vodka and tonic. I still don’t deserve that single malt.
