For the last 3 or 4 years, I’ve helped my dad out on the odd weekend here and there when he’s speaking at a show in London. These shows usually focus quite generally on life change, and are uniformly hosted in massive buildings in awkward West-London locations. Playing host to hundreds of stalls and stands to visit, it’s safe to say the content is varied; and whilst the advice my dad offers is very much grounded in reality, many of the other services being offered at shows like these are a little more questionable.
Having spent enough time in close proximity with these nutters to pick up some form of social radiation poisoning, I thought I’d give you a behind the scenes look into this gaping maw of mildly uncomfortable insanity:
PSYCHICS!
Psychics Promise everything between aura readings and clairvoyance, and to put it bluntly - they really are a bunch of pricks. To be fair though, throughout history the ability to speak with the spirits has been a highly revered - with many of these individuals having a greatly respected social status within their society. These days however we tend to give more respect to people like doctors, who - amongst other things - are great at diagnosing SCHIZOPHRENIA.
Sadly, real psychics are a dying breed these days - people who genuinely believe they can talk to the dead and read people’s thoughts tend to be a bit too distracted by the latter to deal with the stress and organisation of writing books, touring the UK, and recording TV shows - a hectic lifestyle that’s generally much better suited to people with the drive and focus to dedicate themselves to a life of CONSTANT LIES.
AND MYSTICS!
Selling shiny wholesome things to hang above your aura, Mystics are generally less insipid than Psychics - and much less organised. If you’re considering a career in mental it’s a fun place to start, as you can pretty much base it on fucking anything. Stones, animals, and symbols are the most popular - but not essential. At a pinch, everyday objects will likely function just as well providing they’re either glittery, or rustic.
One stall in particular I recall genuinely had the balls to sell ‘Atlantean Gemstones’ under the premise that by using these I would be able to practice a series of impressive techniques, including healing, aura reading, and telekinesis. After some admittedly rather aggressive quizzing, the woman responsible begrudgingly had to concede that as Atlantis had never actually been discovered, the stones were merely imbued with ‘the spirit of Atlantis’ - which is a bit like trying to pitch pebbles as being homeopathic diamonds.
Pushing further, It then seemed only natural to enquire about how serious they actually were about the claim that I would be able to master the ability to PHYSICALLY MOVE OBJECTS USING THE POWER OF MY MIND, to which she replied: “Take it with a pinch of salt” in the kind of blasé tone usually reserved for people who haven’t chosen to spend their lives selling shiny rocks to miserable strangers.
AND RELIGIOUS TYPES!
Usually sporting large and plush booths that have MONEY written all over them, there’s usually a sinister edge to most expo-based religious stalls. Because of this, they’re almost always the most fascinating nutter-outlets too, as trying to work out what religion they represent, who’s funding them, and what they’re hoping to get from you is a devilishly fun cat and mouse game that feels a little bit like the first half of The Wicker Man. Unlike the notorious ‘stress tests’ now offered on every high street in western civilization, the techniques applied to lure you in unknowingly are often tricky to spot from a distance, offering vague services including life readings and meditation.
Being the illegitimate lovechild of Louis Theroux and Phoenix Wright, I recently spent hours trying to crack the truth behind “The Jesus Experience”. Whilst apparently wearing their heart on their sleeve, this ramshackle crew of frightfully happy zealots we’re pretty vague about their background and funding at first - and upon closer inspection it appeared very likely that the entire stand was funded by ‘Jews for Jesus’, an incredibly well funded American group solely focused on the aim of converting Jewish people to Christianity. Regardless of your affiliation, from an outside perspective it undoubtedly seems like a depressingly pointless - and slightly sinister - waste of money all around.
OH MY!
And that’s about it to be honest. Unless you want to count the health food companies keen to set you up with a local franchise that will make you a MILLIONAIRE IN MONTHS. There’s also the creepy middle-aged couples keen to have you join their brand new kids party company - no doubt a desperate bid to recoup some of the cost of investing in those cuddly tiger suits in the first place. Oh, and there’s a small army of self help experts encouraging you to try and break a piece of wood using your fists in the name of visualisation, or something - which is perfect for anyone who’s really happy with most aspects of their lives, but sometimes worries they aren’t spending enough time smashing shit up with their hands.
