Alright, time to let you in on some serious INDUSTRY SECRETS:

I work in International PR, right? So what does that really mean on a day to day basis, other than the fact that I’ll struggle to explain what my job entails without using terms like ‘strategy’ and ‘communucations’ and coming across as an absolute wanker? I’ll tell you what else it means - it means I’m a busy bastard.

And what do busy PR bastards do?

They drink cups of tea.

But hang on a minute, Matt - I hear you quietly ponder - isn’t PR filled with attractive, go-getter weight conscious ladies?

This is entirely true.

But doesn’t that mean that the fridges are usually mainly stocked with low fat alternatives to popular everyday products?

BANG.

BUT YOU’RE SUCH A BUSY MAN MATT? HOW CAN YOU DEAL WITH THE STRESS OF YOUR RELENTLESSLY EXCELLENT EVERYDAY EXISTENCE WITHOUT EQUALLY BRILLIANT CUPS OF TEA? WHAT IF SOMEONE LEAVES ALL THE LITTLE TIN HATS OFF THE BOTTLES? WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN, MATT?

OH GOD I DON’T KNOW. HELP.

Don’t panic though- as I have recently discovered the secret to finding out whether milk is full fat, semi-skilled, or skimmed without having to go through all the personal/financial trouble of drinking it/paying someone else to drink it for you.

The process is relatively uncomplicated: Simply pick the bottle up, give it a swirl - and OBSERVE…

SCENARIO A: After sloshing about a bit, the liquid will then settle back into a gravity-designated position, leaving a pearly white residue on the inside parts of the bottle that the milk has just touched. If you see this, it means that the milk is GOOD MILK, and will be entirely acceptable - if not smashing - in a cup of tea.

SCENARIO B: If after following the instructions in scenario A you fail to see any milk sticking to the inside of the bottle, do not drink this milk. This is ‘shit milk’, and putting it in your tea will damage both your morale and long term business viability.

Repeat as necessary until you feel you have mastered the process. Then it’s literally just a case of sitting back and watching the money just come rolling in.