Rosie Millard’s 10 fail-safe tips to help your child settle in at university is very good, but I thought it might be easier to read if it was a little more concise. With this in mind, I’ve boiled the 10 points down to their nitty-gritty core:

1. Pack a trunk

Suitcases are for peons. It’s vital that you fill this quaint container with a wide variety of priceless curios to dot around your new living quarters to reassure those around you that you aren’t a povvo-pauper.

2. Avoid obvious clichés

Your pathetic attempts at pre-university personality use officially useless. Embrace your future self by white-washing all previous thoughts and sensibilities before arrival.

3. Don’t wear your heart on your walls

Expressing genuine passion is often divisive. It’s important that you make friends with everyone you meet, so opinions should be avoided unless entirely necessary.

4. Gap-year conversation starters

If you were a cunt before you came to university, then this is the perfect time to start talking about it.

5. Food

Don’t worry about bringing a ton of crockery and cooking implements - there will definitely be enough room for it all in your tiny box-room kitchen. A cafetière is obviously essential too, and will clearly come in use once you can only afford a jar of Kenco.

6. Bed moments

It’ll probably end up covered in spunk and ash, but fuck it - why not buy some Egyptian cotton sheets? While you’re at it, let’s whack a luxury pair of curtains up and fill the room with designer cushions?

7. Practicalities

You might need a corkscrew.

8. Games

Because you’ve spent all of your money on designer bedsheets and expensive cutlery, you won’t actually have enough money to do anything while you’re at university. A pack of cards is pretty cheap, though - and if things really go badly money-wise you can always try and improve things by becoming a professional gambler!

9. Music

Bring louder instruments like the electric guitar to university, and people might end up thinking you’re a twat. Solution? Learn a selection of Paul Simon songs, and insist of quietly serenading your neighbours with your newly-bought ukulele.

10. Finally, things to avoid

Avoid covering your flat with large pictures of ex lovers, or bringing an exercise bike with you when you move to University. Not only is this highly impracticable - it also might make you look a bit mental.